Uncovering The Secrets To A Successful Marriage

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a_happy_marriagePost written by Tony Ferretti and Peter J. Weiss & Peter G. James Sinclair.

‘I have recently been given a copy of The Love Fight to review, but on Page 168 of the book I came across this Self Assessment – Marriage Essentials.

Out of everything else that is found within the book I thought that this was probably the most helpful.

I have just been privileged, at the time of writing this article, to have recently celebrated my 32nd wedding anniversary. And yet there is so much I need to learn about this subject matter and about the woman of my dreams. So if you are married, or are about to get married or have been married – use this for your own self-assessment and self-improvement. It is invaluable.’ – Peter G. James Sinclair

  1. You are fully engaged, committed, and make the relationship with your spouse a priority.
  • Agree on regular ‘us’ time to have relaxed conversation with no distractions at least several times a week. Make a written commitment to each other that your marriage is more important than work, hobbies, family, and friends.
  • Identify together what issues are taking away time that you might otherwise spend together. Develop an action plan to free up more together time.
  • Create individual and mutual goals that you’d like to achieve in your life together – for example a new job, having and raising children, taking a nice vacation, growing closer.
  1. You participate as an equal partner in your marriage and take responsibility for (and only for) your own thoughts and actions.
  • Try to use only ‘I’ statements.
  • Admit to your partner that you have not been the perfect spouse and be able to apologize.
  • Agree to stop blaming, defensiveness, and justification.
  • Examine what your respective roles are. Consider switching for a while or sharing these. An example might be switching who does the dishes, takes out the trash, or pays the bills for three months.
  • Determine and share with your partner what you are going to work on changing in yourself.
  1. You strive to communicate effectively and resolve conflict constructively.
  • Agree that you will always be willing to discuss areas of conflict.
  • Work on expressing yourself calmly no matter what the disagreement.
  • Think of how the other party will feel before you decide to speak.
  • Speak in a way that attempts to minimize harsh feelings. Avoid fighting words, including ‘always’ and ‘never’. Use ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ when addressing concerns.
  • Respect and appreciate each other’s perspective, even when your opinions differ.
  • Don’t allow things to build inside.
  • Celebrate success when you resolve a conflict well, even if you have to agree to disagree.
  1. You are willing to forgive and work to build trust.
  • Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself and to your spouse. Don’t deliver it unless your spouse has agreed to accept it.
  • Do not use the silent treatment.
  • Avoid bringing up the past; say what you need to say about present issues constructively.
  • Incorporate trust-building activities into your marriage.
  1. You aim for physical and emotional intimacy.
  • Spend fun time together – movies, other activities, or date nights are some ideas. Brainstorm about possibilities, then choose one and do it.
  • Tell your partner how you experience emotional intimacy and what you would like from him and her.
  • Schedule time for sex at least once a week when you will be well-rested and happy.
  • Give your partner a card at the end of each week expressing what you appreciated about him or her that week.
  • Express affection and attention often, without having any other agenda. Go out on a date often. Take turns planning the date.
  • Both partners should have an individual identity and spend time with same-sex friends.

information source: The Love Fight – How Achievers & Connectors Can Build a Marriage that Lasts by Tony Ferretti and Peter J. Weiss.

photo source: idiva.com

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